He breathed a huge sigh of relief when he discovered that the doctor wasn't going to give him a shot. It was hilarious.
Once back at the office, I started digging around in Win32::EventLog. I can't believe Activestate hasn't made libwin32 available through PPM yet. Anyway, it was short work getting the module to compile.
I spent the evening writing a script to remotely access our NT/2K servers and report back some statistics on the Event Logs, as well as error and warning messages via Mail::Sendmail. It works like a charm. Beautiful stuff. But, with almost 75 servers, it's information overload. I'm going to have to identify certain error and warning codes that can safely be ignored. That would greatly decrease the amount of information contained in each email, and make "real" problems more obvious.