Closer and closer. Apache now properly displays.html files (w00h00), properly executes.pl files, and tries to upload.php files to the browser. Configuration issues . . . gotta check the docs . . . thought I was past this.
Whew . . . I'm not 100% sure as to what I did, but it's working now. Thank you, sweet Jesus . . .
I will be so friggin' glad when PerlMonks gets all of its pieces put back in place. So glad.