So, I go to login and
I'm now at an impasse. Until I get this friggin' Apache thing fixed, I'm stuck.
#apache on freenode.net was dead silent. I asked, but I guess everyone is too focused on ApacheCon right now.
I've googled the living shit out of this thing. Unbelievably, I've actually arrived at the point where no matter what search phrases I enter, I've already visited almost every link that's returned.
I'm 100% convinced that it's a configuration snafu on my end. I dug through all of the bugs for apache and apache-common on Debian's bug site, and no one has reported this type of situation. If it was a bug, someone would've found it by now (before me, anyway).
For those kind souls who have been pitching in with me, I've placed my httpd.conf online. Most of the pertinent stuff will be in the VirtualHost sections.