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scrottie (4167)

scrottie
  scott@slowass.net
http://slowass.net/

My email address is scott@slowass.net. Spam me harder! *moan*

Journal of scrottie (4167)

Sunday February 20, 2005
07:18 AM

Minions Wanted

[ #23269 ]
It's been about 10 years since I've had minions. They've all grown up, started painfully profitable companies, and now hob-knob whose-who of important and influential figures of their field. I'm growing old and increasinly mal-adapted to normal life. It's no longer becoming for me to leave my lair nor speak on the phone. I've reflected on making this post, and I've reflected at great length. Minions aren't what they used to be. Minions now days are soft and weak willed. In the old days, it was that minions would realize they can wield power if they're willing to spend a time subserviant to someone capable of teaching. Now days, kids have this notion that money only comes from the parents, power comes from your social (gag) circles, and glory comes from the things you own. They seek answers to Perl questions only for immediate gradification, not to truly master an insidious tactic and become a potent force. Kids now days, not nearly robust enough to be considered minion material. They,for their entire life, questioninglessly slide into being slaves of much more powerful overlords. They accept as payment for their servatude a few measily tens of thousands of dollars, and then only paid in payments yearly, calling that close enough to world domination, and inexchange for that paultry fee, deliver one after another innocent to the hands of Bill Gates, telling the clients they betray that Microsoft Windows is a servicable operating system and a supportable platform. While it is truly becoming to serve on the side of Microsoft, it is also well known the ranks are thin at the top but wide at the bottom, and few ever move past petty explotation of businesses and moronic home users.

This is not the stock I seek. These so short-sightedly driven by greed, rather than lusting for true power, amount to little more than orcs - a fodder of little use except as "consumers" in this modern age. It is far more becoming to hope to some day aspire to be an overlord of some small repute yourself and initially forego payment.

Minions in my service will be expected to endure maindane business-related tasks, such as answering the phone, but will always be allowed the basic dignity of being able to tell clients to "fuck off" when appropriate. Retaining dignity does not relieve the necessities of subordination, however. My minions may seek clarification but will never question me. For the term of their indenture, they will accept my teaching as truth itself. They will not seek short-cuts where I say there are none, and if I later reveal short-cuts, they will know it was because they were not yet ready before. While my young troglodytes will doubtless enterain perversion and drug abuse in their free time, they will go for the want of the very necessities of life should urgant cause arise.

In exchange, they will be tutored on the basic elements of evil and Perl programming and will share in the spoils of an insideous plot I've hatched some time ago to dupe large numbers of people out of money by playing on their greed and fear. Of course, in the interest of avoiding indictment myself, the details of the plot can never be revealed, but a clever student will quickly ascertain the nature of the ploy. After thier period of endenture, minions will have developed an eye for exploitation and trickery, but most importantly will have developed a deeper understanding of how things work - both in Perl and in the real world. They will see everything about them as quite potentially theirs - no program must go unwritten, and persuent to Free Trade Agreements, they will be as a sovereign nation.

While the offer is valid, this is a draft for a post on jobs.perl.org. Feedback is welcome - unless you're stupid, then stay the hell off my blog. Time and time again I forget both the power of TV to sap intelligence and the very prevelence of the thing. So let this be a test: if you watch more than half an hour a day of any programming besides CSPAN, don't post here.

-scott
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