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renodino (6856)

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Perl Contrarian & SQL fanboy.

Here's my CPAN goods. []

Journal of renodino (6856)

Friday August 31, 2007
01:09 AM

An Open Letter To The Twin Cities Chamber of Commerce

[ #34292 ]
First, allow me to congratulate your fine cities on their vigilance with regard to their burgeoning population of sexual deviants. I'm certain that business and casual travelers alike - not to mention convention bookers - are relieved to know that your airport has taken strenuous measures to assure that every traveler is observed while attending to their biological needs. What better application of Homeland defense funding than round-the-clock staffing of public restrooms with fulltime police officers well trained in the habits of the deviants of your community !

The recent arrest of Senator Craig has undoubtedly provided a significant boost to your efforts to host future political conventions. I have no doubt you're updating your convention prospectus material as I write this. The rallying cry of "Never fear: no queers here!" will undoubtedly warm the hearts of convention delegates of both parties.

However, if I may, I'd like to offer a few suggestions to avoid potential future unsavory episodes:

  1. Perhaps your airport could serve edible food ? While I am uncertain as to Sen. Craig's dietary habits, I personally have feasted upon the fare available at the Minneapolis Airport, esp. while stranded for a day or so awaiting the arrival of the latest jet Northwest Air has been able to get out of hock, and must admit I too tapped my feet a time or two in a bathroom stall shortly thereafter, and may have made somewhat rude and violent gestures with my hands during the inevitable reaction.
  2. Smaller, dingier restrooms: while I appreciate that you've attempted to make the airport restrooms as undesirable as possible by strewing bits of dung, mucous, and soiled toilet paper about, (the complete lack of ventilation was pure genious!), the more prurient elements of your community appear to still find them a welcome site for their erstwhile trysts. Perhaps removing the doors from the stalls - or removing the stalls altogether -, along with creating additional leaks in the urinals, or improving the content of the many literary barbs inscribed upon the walls, may help eradicate the problem ? Certainly, a fully armed and uniformed patrolman in each restroom, occupying the lone remaining stall 24/7, will keep the perverts at bay.
  3. Due to the recent unfortunate episode involving Sen. Craig, our nation is finally giving proper honor to the heroic actions of the Public Restroom Patrolman. The trials, diligence, and humanity of these brave warriors of the WC was never better portrayed than in the Pulitzer Prize winning Confederacy of Dunces, wherein both a pornographic photographer, *and* a politcal party of fops and dandies are foiled by the vigliant efforts and adroit exploits of the brave and wiley Patrolman Mancuso. Despite their unimpunable credentials in the practices of the perverse, your restroom patrolmen might well take a few lessons from Mancuso's cunning tactics and many disguises.

I hope my suggestions do not fall on deaf ears, In this moment of glory, full of a sense of pride and self-congratulation, you and your constabulatory may look askance at the "low hanging fruit" available to control the more salacious nenbers of your community.

Until later,

Tab, Your pacifist Working Boy

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