Hmm. Well, I fiddled with my Apache configuration for a while, and eventually convinced it that, yes, it is listening on port 80, and yes the virtual servers are on port $private and no, you're not necessarily going to be first in line when receiving things.
So it was a fault of my Apache config rather than Tux config. Probably good since there's so little of Tux that is configurable.
For those who are curious: the virtual hosts section of httpd.conf is a all within a <Perl>...</Perl> section and consists of a hash of default settings, a hash of peculiar settings and a wodge of code that merges the two and extrapolates assorted other directives based on the given data.
It works. Next step is to move Tux to port 80 after more testing and stuff.