Thanks a lot, whoever it was days ago in #perl who tried to come off as knowledgeable by saying "How do you know it's not Perl doing it", when I was asking about SQLite's behavior, because I was right in the first place. Now I've spent all my coding time in something like four days wasting my time trying to force Perl to do something when it was probably already doing it.
So. How on Earth do I get SQLite to behave? Anyone?