If you ever give programming advice, remember that people who say things like this:
It's impossible for anyone to say that a script is a maintenance nightmare just because it uses all globals, no warnings and no strict.
... or this:
Not only is my 3400 line script not a maintenance nightmare, but it has fewer bugs and works better than many production scripts I've seen, including its future competition.
... aren't worth helping, unless yours is the sort of help that removes them from anything remotely like a computer. I recommend padding their hands with socks, filing the brand name off of an Etch-a-Sketch, and swearing up one side and down the other that it's a new type of tablet PC. 'cuz, y'know, people who ignore collective hundreds of years of experience and advice really oughtn't be programming at all.
Alternately, give them each a Java or Python book and let the more annoying language zealots try to reconcile the idea that it's not only possible to write COBOL in any language, but also to be proud of it.