That may sound harsh, unfair, or unjustified, and might well be any or all of the three, but it's the current consensus in my mind. The two culprits are Inline::Files and Regexp::Common.
Going in reverse order, Regexp::Common didn't match the word "fuck" when I inserted it blatantly into an email. It has occurred to me that perhaps I was using it wrong, but this solution needs to be moderately effective as soon as possible, and if the module I'm using lets the f-word through, that's enough of a litmus test to indicate to me that it might be useful later, but not right yet. So Regexp::Common's out.
Next is Inline::Files, and man do I feel stupid about that one. I'm working on my MSWin build, not my Cygwin (to reflect that, at the school, it'll have to run on the Win2000 server.) Inline::Files doesn't work on the MSWin build. 'Nuff said, and had I looked at the CPAN-testers info, I'd have known that and not lost several hours tinkering, figuring that I'd screwed up the manual installation. Nothing to screw up; it just can't work in there!
I've switched to Morning Thunder since I'm all out of Mountain Dew and my coffeepot was broken by the SOTF (and yes, I'm still keeping her anyway). Probably going to pick up more Dew later.
Matriarch itself (somehow the imagery of a stuffy schoolmarm eagle-eyeing personal writings of students never escaped me
I know...I need to get out more.