Decision: See if I can get a MySQL server working on my Win32 system.
Outcome: Yee-haaawwww! Downloaded it, unzipped it, installed it...it just WORKS!
Now, to point Newser's code (the new name for this thingy) at MySQL and continue work. The due date is Monday. Luck, schmuck...I'll need a small miracle for this thing to look good.