Enough of that. I'm killing a few moments while CPAN installs Text::Template (which, amazingly, I did not install to my laptop at any point in the past year!)
When I installed all the software I thought I would need on my laptop (such as the ubiquitous image editing software that costs a small fortune, is probably mostly used illegally, and rhymes with Badobe Kyotoshop), I went hunting down modules just like everything else. I apparently just forgot a few of the ones I wasn't using quite so much, but when I found myself needing a templating solution for who-knows-what, I immediately thought, "Text::Template will do this rapidly. Use it. Be finished as soon as possible."
And it wasn't there.
And now it is...so I must go.