It's also patently obvious that I'm doing something wrong, though. I mean, REALLY wrong. We're not getting smooth curve-style values, which is roughly what should be popping out. No, we're getting flat lines, peaks, valleys, and un-commenting some of my debugging statements just produces further mystery. Why is this height 120? It should NEVER be more than 100. Why?
It's possible that I have the wrong expectations, though. I have no way to check this. Next time I code something I feel could be useful for more than just myself, it's something with more of an established model than this. It's just too hard to work without a net.