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Tuesday December 17, 2002
06:54 PM

Mail filters

[ #9519 ]

I have decided to send out a lot of unsolicited commericial email this Christmas. The point is not to get anyone to buy anything because I do not sell anything. I have a lot of computer power and bandwidth going to waste. I want to rollover my CPU cycles like Cingular does with cell phone minutes, but the pencil-necked geeks at AT & T Broadband tells me I either have to use it or lose it. Call them when Buffy is on---they hate that because they have to talk to you rather than watch TV. No one at Apple will look at my designs for a CPU cycle cache that lets you save up your unused time that I made in my EE summer class that I had to drop out of because the professor got all intimidated and jealous when I invented this. Screw that SETI@Home stuff because ET can IM me if he wants to talk---I will add him to my Buddy List in iChat even. I am going to use all of my cycles my way until Apple starts using my time-cache. Some hot shot California lawyer say I cannot come within 500 feet of the Apple campus now, but I can still email them. Like I want to go to California where it is always sunny! I love the strong winds and sleet in Chicago! Sun is for little wussy boys who design things I cannot stak on top of each other.

So I am writing a program to vary the details of each message so I can block anything Dan Sugalski might do. Damn him and his evil, moral ways! Just because you are a nice guy Dan do not think I am going to let you get away with this! I am going to use your PERL against you! The chickens are coming home to roost, mofo! Yeah, hold on, I gotta put my Shaft album in the CD player. It kind of sucks because the lid is broken but I just use some duct tape to keep it closed.

I need to come up with about a bunch unique subject lines, I think, because that is what those stupid filters looks at. I have been studying and collecting the subject lines of other spam and have come up with a good list, but I cannot show you all of them or the Mail::Audit police might get their pocket protectors in a twist. Forget about faking the envelopes, From lines, and all that. I do not need that stuff---I have that figured out---the kung foo is strong in this one, and I found this sweet little machine in the 66.35.250.xxx range that does not seem to have much to do. It is just begging to be used, and ESPN is next because I am going to rig the NFL draft and the All Star game too. Who ever heard of Anaheim anyway? Stupid California crap!

You will be begging to read your email when you see these subject lines in your Inbox because my kong fu defeated your weak mail filtering:

  • Make Money Later!
  • !!!Be as big as Nat!!!
  • [PATCH 5.8.1] ExtUtils::MakerMaker
  • New Module Submission Make::Money
  • PASS Acme::Buffy linux-9.95 gcc++ 4.7
  • FAIL Acme::Buffy linux-9.95 gcc++ 4.7
  • NA Acme::Buffy linux-9.95 gcc++ 4.7
  • Notification from PAUSE
  • [use Perl] Headlines for 19102-12-25
  • Sold -- ship now!
  • A special message from Larry
  • [cpan #1877] Bug in your pants
  • Perl training nudes from Stonehunge
  • [Chicago.pm]: Hot Andy Pics
  • Perl 7 RFC process open
  • Perl Conference CFP open
  • Want To Write An OREILLY book???
  • Hot Nigerian Banker Women!
  • Perl 5.8.1 released

I am going to send you mail and it is going to have this virus that reads your outbox and replies to all of your messages. You will not know if it is my program or your weasly loser friends who have nothing better to do than reply to your silly messages. You will be using this filter crap and be all like "why is no one sending me mail" even though they are and it is all going to /dev/nul and you will not even know it. You be all like "no one even loves me anymore" and I will be all like "Yeah right loser" and you be all like "PERL sucks" and I be all like "Use JAVA stupidhead because it rules!".

Yeah, that is what I am going to do.

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  • I know I am a bit late on this ... behind on my journal reading. But that's funny. :) Sometimes I wish we could moderate journal entries. But then I think better of it.