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blazar (7356)

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Journal of blazar (7356)

Saturday August 25, 2007
04:22 AM

Living, living and partly living

[ #34215 ]

I'm reminded of those verses. That's how I feel now...

Living, living and partly living is to wake up and to not want to get up, not because of the warm sensation and the pleasure of lying there, but because you feel like a corpse and you seem not to be able to get up.

Living, living and partly living: gettin up not because you want to, but because you know you have to, with no enthusiasm at all for anything. Life included.

No enthusiasm for the big and little things that used to fill your life: to turn on the computer and read mail? To write in clpmisc or PerlMonks? And why? To help people? Or to boost my own ego like whiners claim? Which ego... I don't have an ego any more: I feel like saying that I'm half the man I used to be, but after having been much more, after having tasted what it is to live as opposed to to survive, I am much less. And there's only one person that could kill this pain, but she doesn't want to. And she is causing it...

Firing up the mail client and knowing in advance that there won't be any mail from her, turning on the mobile phone and knowing that you won't receive the "have a good day" message from her. A sense of void that words can't express.

Living, living and partly living: having so many more things to say, and not being able to finish this own note, not because you don't have the time to, but because pressing the keys seems such a overwhelming duty... and all so useless... what can my poor words do? Writing this very phrase and going back to bed, not because of the pleasure of doing so but because there's nothing satisfactory, nothing that could bring the slightest bit of joy to your life: this is living, living and partly living.

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