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blazar (7356)

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Yahoo! ID: bik.mido (Add User, Send Message)

Journal of blazar (7356)

Wednesday June 13, 2007
03:04 PM

Nope, I didn't...

[ #33514 ]

In one of the latest entries, on May 30th I wrote that the following day I would have explained or given a hint about why I'm writing so sparsely here these times. But I didn't and the reason why is the same: basically I'm living much more in the real world than in the virtual one, wrt just a small amount of time ago. First I wanted and now I am somewhat forced to, but not only in a negative manner: for I am living emotionally intense and wonderful moments, notwithstanding my disease. But the latter is concerned, and as far as it is, I've had a recurrence. If you can call it like that, because I was never ever declared "healed". However, to put it briefly, my left arm, that is the one that had originally broke, has rapidly swollen. Thus I've started again chemoterapic cycles and now conventional radiotherapy which at least initially should make it swell even more - and it is doing! But in the long run they hope that it will have the opposite effect.

I felt like writing this on May 31st because that was the first anniversary of the event, the incident, with which everything started. Eventually I wrote something else which was also important to me, and much more perlish.

Even before that date, I've wanted to write something about this recurrence and the other events in my "real" life several times. This entry may have been:

  • "Back to chemotherapy"
  • "Round 2"
  • "April 22nd, a day I'll never forget"
  • "@ hospital 2.1"
  • "out of hospital 2.1"
  • "round 2.1 ended, 2.2 forthcoming"

And so on...

Incidentally, I'm not really saying why, but in all earnestness April 22nd is a day I'll never ever forget: in the course of few hours I felt emotions, pleasure, pain, desire, guilt, remorse, anguish, doubt, uncertainty, sense of friendship, fun and eventually as if the above were not enough, even the shock of finding myself face to face with the heavy breath of death: a mourning that I cannot but describe in terms of infinite sadness.

Well, I may end it up here, but there's one more point I want to deal with: during my last hospitalization, I did what I had resisted over a here the urge to do - knowing in advance it would have emotionally impacted on me in a negative manner: I searched the internet for articles about my condition. I'm not physician and I may not have the intellectual tools to draw a conclusion but it's a matter of a fact that very few of them deal with long term survival and many talk about clinical studies describing very poor prognosis. So I'm not sliding towards despair abandoning hope nor am I givin' up on the will to fight, but I want to consider the worst possibility too because should it end up to be the one becoming a reality, I would like to be strong, that is, not arriving there crying like a baby, but with dignity, like a man. However it's hard, I know and I don't have the slightest idea of what will happen, WTF!

What else? Well, there could be tons of things to add and details that from time to time I would have included, had I written this before. I just haven't had the time or I have been too lazy, and not in a virtuous manner. I doubt that I will have a biographer, but in case -anyway- I am maintaining my email archives at multiple locations, and also backing up IMs' logs: it's all there. Well, most of it. That was it, period. Now I may possibly shut up for a long time...

(I think I can communicate with an acceptable degree of efficiency in English about technical matters, but my conversational one is a bit rusty, I'm afraid, and my lexical competency not that vast so in the remote possibility that someone else but me reads the above, I hope it's clear enough.)

Back to life now!

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