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TorgoX (1933)

TorgoX
  sburkeNO@SPAMcpan.org
http://search.cpan.org/~sburke/

"Il est beau comme la retractilité des serres des oiseaux rapaces [...] et surtout, comme la rencontre fortuite sur une table de dissection d'une machine à coudre et d'un parapluie !" -- Lautréamont

Journal of TorgoX (1933)

Tuesday October 04, 2005
07:42 PM

Mooninite prose

[ #27021 ]
Dear Log,

The jargon of applied grammatical critique (or "stylistics", to use an imposing word) is full of horribly opaque and misleading terms, which have more backstory than sense: "comma splice", "predicate nominative", "dangling modifier", and so on.

But I will now menace you with a new term that I have invented: "Mooninite".

I am compelled to do this, because of the perfect resemblance between, on the one hand, the sayings of Ignignokt the Mooninite on Aqua Teen Hunger Force and, on the other hand, the style of a certain kind of bad technical writing.

By "Mooninite" prose, I mean long sentences that weirdly combine colloquialisms with ill-fitting formalisms.

Consider:

  • This revision was more in the lines of finalizing the job.
  • Prepare for a pride-obliterating bitchslap.
  • Some care is required when we literally wish the period symbol.
  • Your jambox is now his, by way of our actions.
  • Suspension of pay and deprivation of all uniforms and insignia, a black mark on left cheek and confinement on org premises or dismissal from post and debarment from premises.
  • We are advanced beyond all that you can possibly comprehend with one hundred percent of your brain.
  • If the condition determines that the first value is greater than the second value then the values are interchanged.
  • Your logic is flawless, but my brain has transmitted a better idea.
  • We must lay the server logs next to each other to see corresponding behaviors (or do the virtual equivalent thereof). We also need to review how the company is utilizing some of the web methods to pull data from the source.
  • Let's leave this primitive rock because there's nothing but cavemen here.
  • Three critical design characteristics of the objective set the ultimate resolution limit of the microscope.
  • This pornography is infinitely excellent; this dresser, however, is not. Torch the dresser, Meatwad.
  • To sign up for a major service, a member must either have six months free IAS membership in existence, or be on the yearly paid membership.
  • If we were to stoop so low as to get your pathetic "directions"! Your punishment is to write those down, for suggesting anything to us, now and forever.
  • HP, however, will have no liability related to the content of any such Communications, whether or not arising under the laws of copyright, libel, privacy, obscenity, or otherwise.
  • We do whatever we want whenever we want, at all times.
  • Groovy is designed to help you get things done on the Java platform in a quicker, more concise and fun way - bringing the power of Python and Ruby inside the Java platform.
  • The Moon has one third less gravity than your Earth; I don't know if you can understand that, but our vertical leap is beyond all measurement.

When I come across Mooninite prose in manuscripts, sometimes I just play nice and write "awkward" or "simplify!" in the margin. But if I'm the only one who'll be seeing this particular printout, I'll stop and draw a little Ignignokt in the margin.

Now and forever.