These are things you have really always known:
* Ann Coulter's cover is that she's a political commentator.
* Her deep cover is that her and Camille Paglia used to be lesbian lovers. Leprous hermaphrodite schizoid lesbian lovers.
* But the reality is that Paglia and Coulter are both seven-hundred-year-old aliens. They breathe carbon monoxide and eat only styrofoam and electrical tape and cocaine.
* If ever their jaws stop moving, their necks and eyes will blister and bleed.
* They were sent from the future to save us from Robin Williams and Robbie Williams.
* Neither of them have any eyelids. Neither of them know the alphabet past the letter "K".