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Timbo (4486)

Timbo
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Journal of Timbo (4486)

Friday August 15, 2003
12:02 PM

Chocolate for the Economically Advantaged

[ #14141 ]
NPR had a segment last year about how various commercial enterprises are trying to make Chocolate the next coffee or wine--a high-end delicacy with a connoisseur on every corner. I have thought about it long and hard (I'm a little obsessive-compulsive, in case you haven't guessed), and I don't like it one bit.

I must preface this rant with the disclaimer that I am slightly biased against chocolate because I really don't like the stuff. But really, that doesn't bother me as much as the fact that entrepreneurs are trying to "brand" fine chocolate as an item with cachet. I am tired of the constant "gotta know all about it to be hip"-ness that is generation X.

First, to my memory, it was coffee... "A latte machine in every house and a Starbucks on every corner"; talk of Arabica beans, fruity flavors and bitter finishes. Coffee, in my opinion, is black, thick stuff that you chug very hot next to a campfire while it rains. While smoking a Camel straight. It is not foamy. It does not have a cinnamon sprinkle on top. And for God's sake, it does not get served by some girl with lip piercings, tattoos, and shorter hair than Ollie North.

Next was Beer. Manly, sudsy beer that came in aluminum cans for $3 a six pack is now "hip" and sold in designer bottles for $8 apiece. There's a brewpub on every corner where the hip gather to drink the latest doppelbock and discuss the year's crop of fuggle hops. Sounds like a conversation out of Harry Potter.

Then, they hijacked Tequila. Few things are more manly or less prone to "hipness" than Tequila. But they did it. How many of our Grandfathers knew what blue agave was? Tequila is supposed to be about college parties, in which newly-freed college girls drop their inhibitions on the floor with their bras, and the taste and smell of your puke the next morning. It is not congac. It is not "fruity".

Now, Chocolate is on it's way to hipness. At least chocolate was never manly... when was the last time you saw Indiana Jones bite a big chunk of a Hershey bar? Chocolate is for women. And that's fine... but Dove chocolate is no longer going to be good enough to say "Sorry I drank too much and peed in the fireplace at our engagement party". Soon, you're going to have to order a box of chocolate off the internet, FedEx'd so that it doesn't go bad in shipping. You'll have to pay $74 a pound for something that should cost 75 cents at the local grocery store.

You'll have to surrender to hipness now... because now it's to please your wife.

I hope mine never reads this.

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  • ...they still use leaded gasoline in areas where most cocoa is grown [ithyroid.com], so feel free to console yourself that when only the trendies can afford chocolate, they'll be killing themselves slowly.
    --

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    You are what you think.
    • Very interesting, not only because of the leaded gasoline question, but because my wife is suffering through Graves Disease, and may be the most chocolate-addicted person on the planet. I'll have to forward this on to her.
      • I only found out about it because it was a central point of science in an episode of CSI.

        Of course, then there'll be the social distinction between regular and unleaded chocolate... :\

        --

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        You are what you think.
        • CSI is a great program... I really need to watch more TV.

          How many times do you hear that?

          • In my head, in relation to CSI, I hear it just about daily.

            TNN keeps running reruns of it, but it's hard to get tired of it. It's actually a remarkably deep show in terms of thought provocation, so you can watch the same episode a few times and find new things to look up every time.

            --

            ------------------------------
            You are what you think.
  • I find your views on life, manlihood, and especially coffee to be unrefreshing. You are a sad soul.

    Maybe you should give in all the way and become the next Metro Man!
    --
    Casey West
    • I'm afraid I'm not familiar with Metro Man, but to be honest, this rant was more for entertainment value than anything. I am (as I type, which is quite a feat) drinking a cup of black coffee--but it was home-roasted four days ago, and brewed in a french press ten minutes ago. You've unmasked me, and I'm a poser. :-)
    • Casey - That's simply because you're wrong. kthnx hth yhl hand lv shrf_p